Change - yes, I can?

There are times where I feel like running away and hiding from it all. Hoping the world will stop- even if it's just for a day.

No, there is nothing truly dramatic happening, no one is dying (at the moment, by the grace of God). I still have family and friends, my house isn't burning to the ground. But there is just something about change that really upsets the balance of life. My life has always been about change and I thought I was prepared, but apparently I'm not.

I've changed churches, changed schools, changed some circles of friends, changed country to some extent, changed jobs. And though some things don't really change, I'm acutely aware nothing in this life remains the same, except God.

Soon I will move out of the house, and be married and have another set of parents, family, etc. I've changed jobs and I still can't seem to feel like I fit in. Change from being employee to employer. I'm going to change churches (yet again) when I marry. All the time not feeling like I have any group of friends that have been with me through it all. But that's not surprising, been like that most of my life anyway. I'm not the kind that calls ppl up (I hardly call anyone up, for that matter) and cry my worries over the phone. I don't hang around with best buddies every other day (though I do have great close friends) because I learnt that even that doesn't remain.

I want to care for others, for my siblings, help my family, etc etc, shoulder their problems. But I can't even shoulder my own.

In some sense, I'm a girl at heart but think like a guy. I don't know if it's a good thing.

These days, I go to sleep praying while I kneel on my face..."God, I can't do this on my own. Help me, please." And this is probably exactly where He wants me to be.

Goodbye again

I have just given out photoframes to my colleagues, with descriptions of them according to their name acronyms.

My ex-editor, Gim Ean, is showing off black and white photos of her holding hands with Stevie Wonder (to a bunch of giggling journos) as a young journalist then.

My colleague Priya is asking around if anyone knew of any Malaysian philosophers... I replied that Malaysians probably don't think very much.

I've been at Star for 2 years and 5 months, and now I'm moving on. I remembered I used to be so awed at the things people did around me, the kind of knowledge the media had access to, and the power we have in our hands- though many times, our hands are tied.

Since then, March 8 came and gone, Pakatan Rakyat was formed, multiple huge street demonstrations have taken place, we saw the surfacing of various politicians' bedroom antics, we saw a new PM take power, Anwar is being charged for sodomy yet again, the teaching of Science and Maths reversed back to BM and various people are dropping dead. Some were shocking, like Jacko or Yasmin, some hit home hard, like Teoh.

Since then, I have shaken hands with the poor and the rich, spoke with the famous and the forgotten, learnt how to survive on roads with my map book and my dad as GPS, ranted over injustices, gone on three Europe trips, swam with fishes in Perhentian, learnt the pain of struggling between truth and reality, gotten engaged and now on the road to marriage.

In a few weeks, I would be facing 500 kindergarten kids, 30 staff and 1,000 parents and waking up at 6.30am instead of 9am.

Goodbye, Star. Maybe I'll come back one day.

weddings.

I feel like there needs to be some balance somewhere.

Weddings should be the grandest and happiest (or one of the happiest) day of our lives and yet when I think of the ludicrous preparations that go into it and $$$ involved- I sometimes really wonder if weddings have been commercialised. Like Valentine's Day.

I have grand dreams...of course, I would like a white dress with a train, I would want to look my best, I think flowers around the hall would be lovely. I want a nice wedding cake, and that the hundreds of people coming to be pleased and happy. Nevermind that already each guest at the reception will eat a lunch, and that there will be about nearly 40 tables at dinner, which would come up to be about RM40,000 or so (much more if you want hotel ambience and crap food). I suppose things like that now have become tradition somewhat.

And all the little things add up. Of course all the wonderful clothes for groom, bride, bridesmaid, flower gals, bride's mum etc take up like, over Rm5k maybe (inclusive accessories, shoes blabla). Then, right, makeup artists cost about RM1000 to do your make up and hair. Then many photographers cost at least RM2,000, same with videographers....just for wedding day itself. Maybe some throw in pre-wed shots. I mean, come on. It used to be just frens just took random photos which 10 yrs later, the couple will look back and laugh and smile. Who cares if you posed in Putrajaya by the fountain. And maybe an aunty will help with your hair and make-up. And how many thousands did the event company say they will charge you?? RM5K? What, for two arches, some pillars and a floral bouquets that is to be used for 2 hours?

And if u want live music, you may have to hire a band. Oh wait, I forgot all about invite cards. Maybe RM2,000 there if u want a decent card.

Sometimes I just feel like waking up on my wedding morning, putting my own makeup, stick a rose in my half-tied-self-curled hair, and have DIY flowers put up everywhere and on arches and pillars made from PVC pipes, and handmake some simple cards. I may have saved RM10k there alone. Geez.