People actually CARE

I can't believe how self-centred and pessimistic I can be sometimes. Usually everyone thinks I'm the calm, never-get-angry, always-in-control kind. But recently I'm been more and more revealing of my emo side and I think I'm freaking some ppl out. Heh.

I had a great camp last weekend. The camp committee and I have been working like crazy for this (and some of us were treading the line between sanity and insanity haha) but well--it was worth it. People made new friendships, people were hungry for answers and were eager to learn, they had fun, etc etc. But towards the end I sat and thought to myself...I'm so tired. Does doing all this matter? Did people meet God? Why do I feel like I keep giving out when I have nothing left to give, I need some TLC myself.

But the last session answered that for me. If people didnt meet God, at least I did. And the camp didn't have the speaker doing all the laying of hands la and the charismatic acts and stuff. God met me there, while I was sitting listening to the speaker. I just started crying. Not the occasional sniff sniff kind, I was nearly crying my eyes out. And all the guys (yes, I noticed guys dont handle a gal's crying very well) starting freaking out. The gals were more accepting and offered a prayer.

Like, how self-centred can I be? Sure, I may be going thru tough emotional patches, but hey, as if no one else does. And the speaker--we didnt have anything much to give him. He agreed to speak at the last minute and yet, he made it almost his own responsibility to make sure camp was going great, he went out to buy toilet rolls for us when we forgot to bring our own, he bought presents for the camp commandents and the chefs(!!) when really, it was our job to do it. Then on the last day, he went on his knees and washed all of our feet. Literally.

And the chefs- 6 of them from church- came to cook for us all those 2 nights and 3 days. And we're not even paying them, the church is paying for their accomodation. Cook and clean for 40 people.

There are people out there who care so much when there is possibly nothing in it for them. Why? Do they love God so much that they'll keep giving anyway?

Is it possible I've become so hard and selfish that I find it hard to believe?

07.09.2006

I didn't know how painful dying to self felt. Until now.