Why I luuuurve academic essays/assignments

10) Because it allows me to make full use of the library resources. My room is crammed now. I paid nearly $400 for services and amenities fee, I should make damn good use of it.

9) Because it allows me to suck up to my lecturers and tutors when discussing essay topics and possible ideological arguments.

8) Because whatever you write in it is most probably useless in the future. So you don't have to retain the information in your brain.

7) I have the rare opportunity to indulge myself with coffee and lose sleep over it.

6) So I can get a new 'look'; I heard that pimples-enhanced-complexion is the current trend.

5) So I can let my nerdy side go crazy with delicious terms like 'post-structuralism', 'discourse' and 'hegemony'.

4) Because I have the right to tell people that I can't talk to them, go take your problems somewhere else, I'M LOVINGLY COMPOSING AN ESSAY, CAN'T YOU SEE?!?

3) It allows me to legitimately skip meals and lose weight. Without people complaining I'm too thin, bla bla bla...

2) I can sit in my heated room all the day (and night) long. No need to freeze in examination halls.

1) Ze feel of paper and ze smell of ink is...mmm. Ze best, my friend!

On Air. You're listening to SYN 9-0-7

Melbourne Uni's media collective have started a radio show called S.P.I.T. Don't ask me what it means, I forgot. After a few weeks of preparation on segments like news, comedy, arts and reviews, the show aired for the first time today on community radio station SYN, bandwith SYN fm, 90.7....so if you're in Victoria (Australia), tune in. It's on Tuesdays, 2-4pm.

Anyways. I popped by the SYN studios today to take some photos of the nervous presenters, Ben and Hagen, stressing out, I caught them fumbling with CDs on the desk, headphones dangling on their necks, pushing buttons and going..."ok, what's next? Are you gonna talk about that song? How bout this song?" Perhaps they weren't too pleased I showed up with a camera but they let me sit in anyway.

Two other segment presenters for pop culture and review was sitting outside, waiting for their turn to come in and talk. But inside, the announcers were screwing up certain bits and I just sat and laughed. We grimaced when some songs had the 'f' word in it, because they didn't give a language warning. We just broke one of the station rules.

Then once Hagen hit the 'off' button on the CD volume by accident and the song halted for 1-2 secs...on air. Ben switched it back on--"What the hell are you doing??!" We were laughing our faces red, to Hagen's exclamation "I can't BELIEVE I did that!!"

After they recovered from that mishap, they put on a comedy segment...only to have a girl come into the studio 3 minutes later. "Guys? What happened? You're off-air."

"WHAT?!"

"The back-up music is playing....you must have had dead air for 7 seconds or something."

So the guys scramble to cut the segment and play some music to get back on air. Just then, a call comes in.

"You....the managers are gonna be mad at your foul content!"

Hagen's eyes nearly pop out and he swings around to face Ben and I. His face was pale for a moment. This was probably the worst imaginable thing to happen, get your show ticked off even from its debut airing. We all read Hagen's panic on his face and held our breath-for a few secs. Because then Hagen broke out laughing. It was just one of our production editors playing a prank.

WELL. What a day.

CONSPIRACY

Welcome to the 8.34pm Lame News Network. The top story today;

Melbourne University's media and politics lecturer thinks that we're all DOOMED to be doped by the LIES perpetuated by the elite who flirt with the media as a means to an end. Beware people, be afraid. Is our government REALLY doing things in our interest?

Today, on Lame's exceedingly-self-centred news, I bring you Dr. Boring Wanker with a case study of war coverage pertaining to Iraq, another thorn in the side for the Bush and Blair administration.

In 2003, someone leaked a few photos of 'British troops' in Iraq wearing uniforms, abusing two Iraqi teenagers, to The Spam tabloid newspaper known for it's anti-Blair stance. The editor decided to run the pictures. However, investigations were later carried out to gage it's authenticity. It was a very thorough investigation headed by Spot-the-Difference experts as it boiled down to micro aspects such as the insignia on the jackets and the what kind of buttons were on the shirts. It was found that the insignia and buttons in the photos were not the same as those in the regiment posted there at that time. So the photos were faked.

Ms. Busy Body, who wrote about the pictures, resigned in disgrace and other authentic stories and photos of abuse never really made it into the media again. The media was effectively silenced by fear.

"It was a brilliant piece of manipulation," said Dr. Wanker. "The Government KNEW beforehand that there will be potential stories on troops abusing civillians and therefore leaked fake pictures to the media, knowing experts will pick on it later and prove them fake."

Prime Minister Tony Blair was unavailable for comment.

This is Sarah Chew, reporting from Physiology Building, Tute Room 116. Lame News Network.